Mental Health
Death’s Friend: Grief
Jim Still-Pepper
Grief doesn’t feel like a friend; but grief helps us come to terms with death.
Death has a friend, and its name is Grief. If you are facing death or someone you love is facing death, you can be sure that grief will follow.
Grief Is . . .
• our reaction to loss
• a process we go through
• a normal response
• different for each person
Stages of Grief
Keep in mind that each person experiences grief differently. You may experience all of these stages or only a few. And you may move back and forth between stages. Just remember: There is no right way to grieve.
Shock
Shock is often the first stage of grief. You hear the news you didn’t want to hear. You are so overwhelmed that you have a hard time thinking or even feeling. Shock has been described as “being in a fog.” When you’re in shock, surround yourself with people who love you. Ask for help. Keep talking!
Denial
Denial is a stage in which you cannot believe or do not want to believe that someone is dying. Or you may pretend or imagine that a death has not occurred. When you are in denial, give yourself time. Think. Talk things through. Ask questions. You don’t have to spend all your time thinking about the person who is dying or has died. It’s OK to have some fun. Keep talking!
Bargaining
This stage generally happens before death. In this stage, people negotiate with God: “If I straighten up and start doing right, will you make my mom better?” Bargaining helps us feel as if we have control over the situation. When you feel like bargaining, use it as a time to pray. Accept that you have little or no control over death. Keep talking!
Anger
In this stage, you may be the angriest you have ever been. You may be mad at God, doctors, the person who died, yourself. It’s OK to be angry. Anger is a normal reaction. But make sure you are still making good decisions. Do not allow your anger to take control. Find positive ways of expressing your anger. Keep talking!
Anxiety
In this stage, you may worry. Sometimes people worry for specific reasons: “If mom died of cancer, maybe I will too,” or “Who will take care of me now?” Sometimes our anxiety is more general: “I am afraid something bad will happen, but I don’t know what.” Panic attacks may also occur. If you experience anxiety, talk about what scares you. Fear is not a weakness; it is an emotion that needs to be faced. Keep talking!
Depression
Grief is hard work. Sometimes people simply wear out. In this stage, you may cry for no reason at all or you may stop enjoying life. Sometimes people consider suicide. If you get depressed, definitely keep talking! Ask for help. If you are thinking about suicide, tell someone you trust. Keep talking!
Acceptance
This stage may seem impossible to reach, but there will be a time when you are able to think about the person’s death without feeling out of control. You may still get sad, but you will be able to handle your feelings. You may cry or get angry, but you are able to live your life. In this stage, you can talk to others who have been through similar experiences. You begin to use your tragedy to help others. Enjoy! And keep talking!
Grief Is Not . . .
• going crazy
• easy to work through
• going to last forever
• a sign of weakness
• the absence of faith
Grief is a friend of death. Grief doesn’t feel like a friend; but grief helps us come to terms with death.
Next Day Stretch
Read John 11:35. How do you feel knowing that Jesus grieved?
Read Revelation 21:4. How do you feel knowing that God will wipe away all our tears?
Jim Still-Pepper has a masters degree in clinical psychology and is a therapist for youth. He lives in Zanesville, Ohio.
-- from Devo'Zine (March/April 2003). Copyright © 2003 by Upper Room Ministries. All rights reserved.
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