Staying Home

April 15, 2020 by Claire K. McKeever-Burgett (Tennessee)

To every time I’ve felt utterly out of control,

kicking and screaming as I didn’t get my way,

I’m sorry. You were nothing compared to this.


He was coloring an ice cream cone today

on his learning app, and I thought, “Surely we’ll get

to take him to get ice cream again.” Surely.


They say breathing four counts in and eight

counts out will help. Right now, I can only

make it to five on the exhale. For now, this

must be enough.

 

I think of all the babies being born, all the

people becoming parents, all the mothers

giving birth. They are not alone, no matter how

alone they feel. This belief keeps me alive.

 

I think of the dead. Are their families able to

bury them? Please tell me we can still bury

our dead.

 

I pray the serenity prayer several times a day.

I do not feel serene. There’s no formula to get

us through this one. No one, literally no one,

knows.

 

The doctor who’s supposed to know says data

from China is different than data from France.

And I read this morning that in Singapore,

where they’ve returned to business as usual,

coronavirus cases are on the rise again.

 

There’s a tree three houses down that’s

blooming white blossoms, and as I beheld its

stark beauty, standing there reaching up

toward the blue lit sky, I began to yield.

 

“You win!” I said to Love or Universe or God or

whomever, whatever would hear me.

 

They kindly sang back: “This is not a game,

dear one. It’s not about winning. It’s about love.”

 

All of the scripture stories and prayers about

love surpassing all knowledge poured over me

like a wave. Was I drowning or floating?

Sinking or swimming?

 

God grant me the serenity to accept the things

I cannot change; the courage to change the

things I can; the wisdom to know the difference. 

 

I am left with this: today, she kicked her legs

and lifted up on all fours and almost began to

crawl; he re-enacted “The Three Little Pigs”

and had me record the special production as a

gift for his cousin’s birthday.

 

We are dreamers and creators at our core.

We make the way by walking, and, sometimes,

by staying home.


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