More From Toluwalogo Niji-Olawepo

It’s been over two years since I wrote this meditation for The Upper Room. A lot has happened in my life since then. The tricky thing about being a human is that as long as we are alive, we will always have to learn. Even things we learned in the past that we think we are done with can come at us again in creative ways. We are faced with new challenges, and the lessons we learned in the past are tested over again.

Over the past two years since I wrote this piece, I have experienced delay, heartache, happiness,  discouragement, joy, love, and everything in between. Things have happened in my life that I did not plan for, and I have been through some moments when the despair and tiredness I felt was almost palpable. 

One thing I am grateful for is that through these different seasons, I have never been left utterly alone. Mysteriously, God always finds a way to show me love. It has come in different ways: the blossoming of a stronger bond with my siblings, reconnecting with an old friend, and building a more concrete and sincere relationship with the few special girls in my inner circle. God’s love has come as a goofy new friend who insists on walking with me down the street to get a drink or a new study partner out of the blue—nice people who mysteriously come into my life and become a part of it. My biological family has remained a strong rock behind me, holding me when I cannot hold myself. 

I have come to appreciate even more the indispensable gifts of family and community: my father’s strong arm around my shoulder, my mother’s soft hug, my sisters’ laughter, my brother’s smile. I am grateful for the unending support and encouragement of the few golden people that constitute my inner circle. Those whose voices constantly infuse me with strength, those who help me see myself when I start to lose sight of who I am. 

I have learned, and am still learning, to ask for help when I need it and to allow people to come into my space to support me in their diverse, creative ways. I am learning to be less judgmental of people and more warm-hearted because no one is perfect. I am learning gradually to open up my heart and to extend my hand of friendship (God’s expression of love) to people as I am led to. It’s been a beautiful journey. 

However, there are different ways God teaches us to learn to lean on and trust in God. I am currently in a season of my life where, despite the amount of love and people in my life, I still feel relatively alone. I wake up in the middle of the night alone in the darkness of my room, and as thoughts flood through my mind, I try to catch my breath. I realize that at the end of the day, I still have to be with myself, and there is a limit to how much my family and friends can support me. No matter how much they try to make me feel seen and heard, they do not see the dark recesses of my heart—those things that cause me to hyperventilate early in the morning when I awake, that cause me to pause in the middle of the day and lay my hand on my chest as I feel my heart pounding. At the end of the day, there are these recesses of my being that only God can reach and wounds that only God can heal—those burdens that only God can bear for me.

So as much as I am learning to lean into the love and support of my family and community, I am also learning that there is only so much people can do. And to show up whole for the people that love us and want the best for us, we must learn to lean first and foremost on the Holy Spirit, God himself.  This is where I am in life: learning to lean on the Holy Spirit and coming to understand that I am not alone, even when I feel alone, because God is always with me.