The day that communion came alive to me was the day that I felt I was born for the last time. I don’t even consider myself a “born again” Christian, as I was raised in the church from birth and God was an ever-present part of my life. I never had that moment. The one where you fall on your knees and accept Christ as Lord. It just always was for me.
It was early this year, in 2018, that I was sitting in the pew at church. The year before was full of adventure. I was diagnosed with cancer, fired from my job, finally joined our church, and went through a hysterectomy at the age of 29. The year helped shape my perspective. Mainly that I was just as broken as everyone around me. I wasn’t immune to trials, and I wasn’t perfect. Not that I’d ever thought I was actually perfect, but I do think I held myself to a higher esteem than I should have.
God spoke to me on this day as I sat in the pew. I don’t even remember the exact day. I do remember it was triggered by something my pastor said. I was given vivid imagery in my mind and spirit before communion took place. Communion until this moment had always just been what we did. It didn’t hold heavy meaning for me before this point, it was just another action that I took as an obedient Christian, going through the church motions.
But this time, I saw myself on the day of Jesus’s crucifixion. I was standing there looking at him without expression on my face, eyes squinted, and with a whip in my hand. He looked back at me with hurt and love combined. I swung the whip and struck him with all my might. As the whip went across his back and his flesh fell to the ground, I reached down, caught it in my hand, and ate it. That was his flesh, given for me. I am the one that tore his flesh. After this, blood drew from the place where I lashed him. I grabbed my cup and placed it against his skin as blood dripped in. I drank it thirstily. That was his blood shed for me.
I mean, I really sobbed. It all came to life.
I am the one that He came for. I am the one that lashed him and hung God on a cross on behalf of my sin and brokenness.
Where I am broken, He is perfect. Where I am nothing, He is everything. To be humbled by God is one of the greatest gifts I’ve been given in my lifetime and it was at this point that I finally saw a massive shift in my life towards yearning and thirsting for God. I can’t get enough of God's words, music, people, wisdom, love, and forgiveness.
When God stripped me of the haughty view of myself and humbled me down to nothingness is when my joy in God was made complete. All I can bring to the table is my need for God. I have nothing else to give, and God would have it no other way.
I join many of those who will pray for you as you seek to discern what you are called to be at this moment. May God grant you the courage to fulfill that calling. May we all open our eyes and see the misery, open our ears and hear the cries of God’s people, and, like God through the Lord Jesus Christ, be incarnate amongst them.”
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