In the first years after I became a Christian, I only prayed when I was in the church or at night before I went to sleep. I had set that time to be my prayer time. When I had something that I wanted to say to God, I would collect it in my heart as my prayer list, and I would wait to pray everything at once. But when it came to my prayer time, I found that I had forgotten almost everything I wanted to say to God.
Some of my friends said that I was a quiet person and had a closed personality. I agree with them. When I had a problem, I often kept it in my heart and acted as if I was fine in front of others. I smiled, talked with my friends, and teased them. They did not know that within my heart I was depressed. When I had to tell my problems to a friend, I chose to tell a friend that I knew well. I felt better if my problem was not known to many people. I realized that I often kept too many problems in my heart. It made me tend to think too much. Although many people say that most of what we worry about does not happen, I am still often tempted to worry.
Also, when I knew that I had done something wrong, or when I knew I did not do what the Word of God said, I became ashamed and afraid to come to God through prayer. I was silent and did not pray for several days because I was afraid that God would be angry with me. When I felt enough time had passed so that God might have forgotten my mistake, I would pray. But in those times, my prayer was very rigid.
It took me a long time to learn that when I wanted to say something to God, I did not have to do it just in my prayer time. I could directly pour out my heart to God whenever and wherever I was. I did not have to wait for my prayer time or when I was at church. I also learned to trust that God always hears all my prayers.
Little by little I learned to trust the Lord and accept Him as my best friend, who loves, accepts, and knows me well. It also took time for me to realize that God completely forgives my mistakes. All I have to do is accept His goodness, love, and the forgiveness I have through the death of Jesus on the cross. I learned to say whatever is in my heart to My Best Friend, who loves me the most. I don't need to be afraid that God will be angry with me when my life has not been pleasing to Him.
As I learned all this, I became more open to the Lord, especially in my prayer life. I can now express what is in my heart to God, and believe that I am heard. I've found that the most beautiful and enjoyable time is when I pray and talk about many things to God in prayer. My free time has become a special moment for me to talk to God.
I join many of those who will pray for you as you seek to discern what you are called to be at this moment. May God grant you the courage to fulfill that calling. May we all open our eyes and see the misery, open our ears and hear the cries of God’s people, and, like God through the Lord Jesus Christ, be incarnate amongst them.”
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